I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
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