I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
