His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
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