Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
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