just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Randomize
