i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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