No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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