You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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