I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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