why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Randomize
