why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
Randomize
