I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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