Banned from zoo.
Again?
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Randomize
