My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
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