Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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