My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Randomize
