ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Randomize
