i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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