An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
