so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
