$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
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