I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
