i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
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