if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
Even my vagina gasped.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Randomize
