I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
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