yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
