I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
