i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
