Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Last time i carry you out of a forest
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
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