I think i sorta joined a cult last night
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
Randomize
