dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Randomize
