I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Randomize
