I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
