Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
