I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
