at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
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