3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
