He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
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