At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
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