So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
I just gift wrapped bread.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Randomize
