In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
The feeling are messing with the penis
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
there is glitter all over my balls
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
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