I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
new midget porn idea. Wizard of Jizz: Munchkins Revenge
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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