i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
