you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
Randomize