If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
i find it depressing how it takes me longer to find a good video compared to the actual jacking off process.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
