I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
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