mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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