Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Randomize
