I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
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