i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
It's one of the reasons i'm here, along with emotional support, physical support if you need it, and power orgasms.
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
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