Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
Randomize
