sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Randomize
