Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
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