I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
Randomize
