When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
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