I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Randomize
