What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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