i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Randomize
